One of the hardest things ever

Daycare - well except for labor and delivery but those are short.

Last week I dropped Ben off at daycare for the first time.  It took hubby and I forever to get childcare for Ben.  We knew I had to return to work for 30 days or forfeit any maternity benefits I received but we didn't really know anyone that was available to watch Ben.  So we prayed about it long and hard and wouldn't you know 3 days before I am to return to work the perosn my hubby mentors mentioned that his mother runs a nice, small, neat at home daycare.  So we checked it out and it seems ok and Ben warmed up to the care provider right way.  So we decided to go with her.  She has a total of 5 kids( 1 infant and 4 toddlers) and one part time infant and then she added Ben as another part-time infant.  Apparently it truely is a blessing because most daycare's don't do part-time. 

The first day of dropping Ben off I was a mess...from the time I started to get him dressed to go the tears came and wouldn't stop until after I was half way to work.  I just felt so bad, and he had no idea what was going on.  All i wanted to do was crawl back into bed with him and quit my job.  Even now, I want to quick.  I only scheduled to work from 7am -1pm but it seems so long.  And dropping him off is the hardest part.  Some days I wake him up so he can see and spend 30 mins with his dad and I before he just gets dropped off.  And that way he doesn't wake up in a strange place.  The only problem is on those days he doesn't go back to sleep until I pick him up.  He will fight sleep all morning. 

I can't judge anyone who works or stays home.  I just don't understand how people do it...everyday dropping him off is hard and the Monday after the weekend is the worse because it's like starting the process all of over again.  And yes I know like anything he will adapt and so will I.  I know that but emotionally the last two weeks have been draining.  At the same time staying home and not bring in any income is just not an option, even if I stayed home I would have to bring him half my current salary...

It's just so  much to think about...I would love to hear how other moms made it through.  And what were your deciding factors that led you to quit if you did or not if you didn't?