Do you hear that?

As I walked two buildings over from my doctor's office.

I was in mental turmoil. I mean did I really want to find out today? What if I wasn't pregnant would I really be happy? Argh, why didn't i just wait and have sex? Why didn't I get on the IUD during my last check up?

I walked into the office and there were about 5 people waiting and only two receptionist.

The first one I walked up to asked me if I had an appointment, I let her know that I did. She told me that sonograms were done by appointment only and that I could call and make one over the phone or I could wait and speak to her.

I decided I was there anyway, it was towards the end of the day...I would wait. I sat down and prayed. Prayed to not be pregnant, prayed that I would be able to get an appointment so I could find out once and for all, prayed that on some level I would be ok. As I was waiting and praying, there was a lady at the desk talking to the receptionist, apparently she had an appointment but couldn't be seen unless she had a script from her referring doctor and for whatever reason they couldn't get him on the phone. In the end she had to give up her appointment because she didn't have the complete information. As I was called up to the desk, the tech came out and was told her last appointment was cancelled. The receptionist looked at her and said do you want to take a walk-in? The tech looked at her watch and said that she could fit one more appointment in before she headed home. She said management had told them not to turn anyone away...so I was in. They ran my insurance information checked my script and led me back.

I was told to get undressed from the waist down and then lie on the table. I have had a vaginal sonogram only one other time in my life it was not enjoyable. And so I was not looking forward to this experience either. However, all the anxiety and uncomfortableness was gone within seconds.

Before I saw it, I heard it, the heart beat of my jelly bean fast like some one was playing a fast beat and there it was on the screen magnified to the nth degree curled up still in the fetal sac. The tech says she saw it move but I was captivated...not really sure how to feel. I was pregnant, it was real I had a little life growing inside of me it was a bit overwhelming really.

I kept waiting for the moment people said would come the first time you hear your baby's heart beat and then you fall in love. It didn't come but I was in awe and silenced if ever so slightly by just how fast the heart was beating and by the notion that my life, the life I had so carefully tried to craft and keep together was going to be changed forever by this little being inside of me.

The tech informed me that my baby was about a half an inch to an inch, about the size of my pinky fingernail. I automatically thought of a jelly bean and so there I had it...a jelly bean was growing inside of me. Congratulations she said, I smiled weakly said thanks, told her I appreciated her seeing me on such short notice. She let me know it was not a problem at all and that I was about 7 weeks and 4 days, handed me pictures and left.

Again I was in a daze and moving on autopilot - I cleaned up, got dressed, and left.

As I got in my car, I sent a picture message of my jelly bean to my sister and my fiance hoping they would understand what it was.

Then I made the phone call that I dreaded the most but also knew would be my greatest source of support and reason.

Mother to mother

I hit M on my cell phone for Mommy and she answered, in her typical way.

Hi Mommy, how are you? What are you doing?

Nothing she replid, just having dinner with your step dad.

Oh I said, are you busy?

Not for you, this was her usual counter she always made time to talk if I seemed like I wanted to talk.

Ok, I said well are you in a seperate room,

No she replied but I am going to one now.

You should probably sit down I said,

She chuckled, should I be?

Yes, I said, and started crying, I am pregnant I blurted out.

She sighed, which isn't really the reaction I expected

And said ok, well when did you find out.

I sobbed my way through telling her I had just found out.

I was 7 weeks and four days pregnant, that I saw the baby and it was tiny. I also told her the ultrasound tech informed me that my uterus was tilted back. I sobbed while telling her we hadn't planned or intended to have a baby; we had said we would wait at least 3 years before even discussing it. I was 7 weeks and a few days that means I got pregnant the first or second time we had sex.

I was floored... I mean I never really planned for a baby. Never thought it would happen to me... wasn't even sure I was mother material.

My mother was very kind and understanding. She explained that a baby is a blessing and that most people feel overwhelmed and feel like they are not sure they could take on the responsibility, she said that was only normal. She said it was a miracle that I even got pregnant because I had a tilted uterus along with my abnormal cycle.

I listened and all her points were right... A baby was a blessing and I knew it but it was just overwhelming being pregnant, not being where I thought I would be in my life and not sure what kind of mom I would really be. I guess she could sense my hesitation, because she threw in that if I got rid of the baby I would always wonder what the baby would look like and who it would be like. She let me know it would be difficult but I had good support and was not alone.

By the time I got to yoga...I felt a little bit and realized, whatever the case, I was pregnant and nothing I could do was going to change that. I called my girlfriend to let her know and then told my yoga instructor so he could give me adjustments for the positions we did in class.

it was a crazy...never could I have imagined that I would ever get pregnant.

The big day

There I was at the doctor's office waiting to be seen.

I was nervous, and the fiance was still miles away...so I called him and he reassured me things would be fine. Still, I was an emotional wreck. I vollied between being excited if I was and being devastated if I was, and then not wanting to know. At one point I was almost in tears in the waiting room (one of my big indicators it was probably true), I am so not an emotional person. I had to get off the phone and give myself the big girl talk.

Pull it together, what's there to cry about, may as well find out know rather than later...deep breaths....ok you are fine...all this in my head of course.

I figured I would talk to the nurse, take a blood test and hear back from them in a few days.

Finally I got called, did the usual stepped on the scale was up 2 lbs...can't seem to lose any weight lately, blood pressure normal. The nurse taking care of me asked about the home pregnancy test and her sentiments echoed those of the nurse over the phone. The new test are pretty accurate I am probably pregnant. Great?!

Back to wait...why do they do that...why can't I go back to the waiting room that has magazines...now I am stuck looking at the model of a vagina cut in half and birth control options...all the more wishing I had been on the nuva-ring.

The nurse practitioner, an older woman petite, kind yet stern like a grandma, enters the room with her trainee, she will be watching and letting the trainee go through the steps, but just for the record she also thinks I am pregnant and puts me at about 7 weeks. WHAT THE!!! 7 weeks and I had no idea I was pregnant...I mean come on...you have to be kidding me...I am half way through my first trimester and nothing besides some weight gain. I smile and reply, that I will not be convinced until the test come back...well she says we can find out today we are having you take a sonogram at the place right next door. For a second my head spins, I will find out today...wait I am not ready.

They go through the usual questions, when was your last period, are you allergic to any medications, look at my family history and make some notes, and then ask me what will I do if I am pregnant.

Here's something I had thought about. So I am not into starting a pro-life and pro-choice debate. People can do what they please with their bodies. My decision was more of a personal dilemma. My fiance says it's up to me the only thing he wasn't advocating was adoption. He feels if I am going to carry a baby for 9 months then we are going to take care of it. My decision was a little harder, I never really wanted kids, toyed with the idea but the mother in me never really came out, but there is no reason at 27 with a pretty good financial standing that I couldn't have a baby. I couldn't rationalize a good reason not to have it except that people at church and work would judge me because of my martial status. All other reasons against keeping the baby all made me seem selfish, which admittedly I am, but still I couldn't rationalize not having it considering I was getting married anyway. Then I thought of all the people out there in less than perfect situations that have kids... what really would have been my reason...and would I regret it later?

So I replied, if I am pregnant I will keep the baby. The rest of the visit was a daze. I got dressed, peed in a cup, gave blood and left the doctor's office to find out if I could get a vaginal sonogram without an appointment.

The winter wait

As soon as 9am came around I called my OB -GYN, I was at work so I had to whisper, work is a whole other matter.



I whispered: "I need to make an appointment"



The perturb nurse replied: " ok, what do you need an appointment for?"



whispering even lower: " I need some blood work done."



The nurse even more confused: "ok, do you have a doctors order? have you been here before? why do you think you need blood work?"



"I need to a pregnancy test." I replied in barely a whisper



The nurse, finally catching on: "Oh, well have you taken any at home test?"



Me in my hush tone as if the whole thing was being recorded by the CIA: " Yes, I took four- 2 negative, and two positive"

The nurse: " Which was first?"



Me in a somewhat regular tone because I figured by now I could be talking about anything, " 2 negatives first and then 2 positives."



"Well" she replied," those new test are pretty conclusive so you probably are but we will do some blood work when you come in and find out for sure."



Great just the words I didn't want to hear..."those test are pretty conclusive"...what! since when?...last time I checked those things were unreliable!



And to top it off the next appointment was 5 days away....I told her I would take whatever she had and hung up the phone.



Great...5 days of waiting and not knowing if I was or not. I had always heard people say they knew the moment it happened they could feel the change in their bodies. I didn't feel a thing...all I knew is that Aunt Flo failed to show up at her expected time and lately she had been coming as scheduled whether I felt like entertaining her or not.



So I waited 5 days and all of sudden I started tuning into everything my body did and every feeling it produced it was exhausting really...



And then wouldn't you know it the weekend before my doctor's appoint the Blizzard of 2010 hit.

My doctor's office called me to say I should re-schedule and so I did for a week later. Turns out snow can shut a city down for a week! SO not only did I have to wait I had to wait at home with my man in a totally different state...and no where to go because everything was closed due to the snow. I had a week of lots of sleep, a little nausea and lots of free time to think.

I told my fiance I was pretty sure I was pregnant and he, like my girlfriend, wanted the proof of a blood test. However, by the end of my week home I was convinced I was pregnant. My nipples were sore every time I ran and I was insanely moody... but everyone wanted proof so I kept my mouth shut.

Pregnancy test for a dollar - not such a baragin

My advice, never buy a home pregnancy test from the dollar general!

It wasn't until the lost season premiere that I realized 2 lines meant positive ( for some test), this is what I get for having a man read me the pregnancy test instructions, that I started to panic and wonder could I really be pregnancy?!

Here I am staring at my fourth pregnancy pee stick at 6 am in the morning before my yoga class... and staring back at me was those bewitching two lines... I was shocked the first two dollar store test I took said I was not pregnancy. I had walked around triumphantly for 3 weeks I had once again cheated fate. I was going to rectify my sex before marriage situation of course but God loved me and knew me and motherhood were not a happy pair.

I burst into tears and called the one person I figured would be awake my dear sis. She herself the mother of 2 (I had always wonder how people got pregnant with so many ways to not get pregnant) has a 3 month old who only takes cat naps and never sleeps through the night and wouldn't you know it! She was actually asleep. So I called my girlfriend in the Midwest and she was groggy but answered her phone. I went on to explain to her my dilemma.

First let me say...I adore my nieces and nephews but to have a child of my own was not something I ever really planned. My type A personality couldn't figure out how a baby would work in my master life plan.

SO there I was 6:15 on a Thursday morning crying in my bathroom, my fiance across the country for work and me an emotional heap. I didn't want a baby, we had discussed waiting 3 years before even talking about it...we were still trying to figure out how marriage would work and how I would deal with being a step-mom and now I am pregnant...

I was distressed to say the least and what kind words did my friend have for me...go see a doctor. Those test are not always 100% correct. And not to tell anyone I was calling my baby a parasite...