The big day

There I was at the doctor's office waiting to be seen.

I was nervous, and the fiance was still miles away...so I called him and he reassured me things would be fine. Still, I was an emotional wreck. I vollied between being excited if I was and being devastated if I was, and then not wanting to know. At one point I was almost in tears in the waiting room (one of my big indicators it was probably true), I am so not an emotional person. I had to get off the phone and give myself the big girl talk.

Pull it together, what's there to cry about, may as well find out know rather than later...deep breaths....ok you are fine...all this in my head of course.

I figured I would talk to the nurse, take a blood test and hear back from them in a few days.

Finally I got called, did the usual stepped on the scale was up 2 lbs...can't seem to lose any weight lately, blood pressure normal. The nurse taking care of me asked about the home pregnancy test and her sentiments echoed those of the nurse over the phone. The new test are pretty accurate I am probably pregnant. Great?!

Back to wait...why do they do that...why can't I go back to the waiting room that has magazines...now I am stuck looking at the model of a vagina cut in half and birth control options...all the more wishing I had been on the nuva-ring.

The nurse practitioner, an older woman petite, kind yet stern like a grandma, enters the room with her trainee, she will be watching and letting the trainee go through the steps, but just for the record she also thinks I am pregnant and puts me at about 7 weeks. WHAT THE!!! 7 weeks and I had no idea I was pregnant...I mean come on...you have to be kidding me...I am half way through my first trimester and nothing besides some weight gain. I smile and reply, that I will not be convinced until the test come back...well she says we can find out today we are having you take a sonogram at the place right next door. For a second my head spins, I will find out today...wait I am not ready.

They go through the usual questions, when was your last period, are you allergic to any medications, look at my family history and make some notes, and then ask me what will I do if I am pregnant.

Here's something I had thought about. So I am not into starting a pro-life and pro-choice debate. People can do what they please with their bodies. My decision was more of a personal dilemma. My fiance says it's up to me the only thing he wasn't advocating was adoption. He feels if I am going to carry a baby for 9 months then we are going to take care of it. My decision was a little harder, I never really wanted kids, toyed with the idea but the mother in me never really came out, but there is no reason at 27 with a pretty good financial standing that I couldn't have a baby. I couldn't rationalize a good reason not to have it except that people at church and work would judge me because of my martial status. All other reasons against keeping the baby all made me seem selfish, which admittedly I am, but still I couldn't rationalize not having it considering I was getting married anyway. Then I thought of all the people out there in less than perfect situations that have kids... what really would have been my reason...and would I regret it later?

So I replied, if I am pregnant I will keep the baby. The rest of the visit was a daze. I got dressed, peed in a cup, gave blood and left the doctor's office to find out if I could get a vaginal sonogram without an appointment.