I was in mental turmoil. I mean did I really want to find out today? What if I wasn't pregnant would I really be happy? Argh, why didn't i just wait and have sex? Why didn't I get on the IUD during my last check up?
I walked into the office and there were about 5 people waiting and only two receptionist.
The first one I walked up to asked me if I had an appointment, I let her know that I did. She told me that sonograms were done by appointment only and that I could call and make one over the phone or I could wait and speak to her.
I decided I was there anyway, it was towards the end of the day...I would wait. I sat down and prayed. Prayed to not be pregnant, prayed that I would be able to get an appointment so I could find out once and for all, prayed that on some level I would be ok. As I was waiting and praying, there was a lady at the desk talking to the receptionist, apparently she had an appointment but couldn't be seen unless she had a script from her referring doctor and for whatever reason they couldn't get him on the phone. In the end she had to give up her appointment because she didn't have the complete information. As I was called up to the desk, the tech came out and was told her last appointment was cancelled. The receptionist looked at her and said do you want to take a walk-in? The tech looked at her watch and said that she could fit one more appointment in before she headed home. She said management had told them not to turn anyone away...so I was in. They ran my insurance information checked my script and led me back.
I was told to get undressed from the waist down and then lie on the table. I have had a vaginal sonogram only one other time in my life it was not enjoyable. And so I was not looking forward to this experience either. However, all the anxiety and uncomfortableness was gone within seconds.
Before I saw it, I heard it, the heart beat of my jelly bean fast like some one was playing a fast beat and there it was on the screen magnified to the nth degree curled up still in the fetal sac. The tech says she saw it move but I was captivated...not really sure how to feel. I was pregnant, it was real I had a little life growing inside of me it was a bit overwhelming really.
I kept waiting for the moment people said would come the first time you hear your baby's heart beat and then you fall in love. It didn't come but I was in awe and silenced if ever so slightly by just how fast the heart was beating and by the notion that my life, the life I had so carefully tried to craft and keep together was going to be changed forever by this little being inside of me.
The tech informed me that my baby was about a half an inch to an inch, about the size of my pinky fingernail. I automatically thought of a jelly bean and so there I had it...a jelly bean was growing inside of me. Congratulations she said, I smiled weakly said thanks, told her I appreciated her seeing me on such short notice. She let me know it was not a problem at all and that I was about 7 weeks and 4 days, handed me pictures and left.
Again I was in a daze and moving on autopilot - I cleaned up, got dressed, and left.
As I got in my car, I sent a picture message of my jelly bean to my sister and my fiance hoping they would understand what it was.
Then I made the phone call that I dreaded the most but also knew would be my greatest source of support and reason.
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